Button only went and bloody won the season opener, thereby making most of the pisstaking that this website/podcast has ever done utterly defunct, nay even foolish. Not that that will stop us. Read on for full race report and results

One of the advantages that Jenson Button has over Lewis Hamilton (aside from a diffuser) is an easily punnable name.

Hamilton barely gets used in headlines as the gutter press don’t think we can deal with three syllables, so instead he’s often referred to Lewis if he’s doing well.

But Button is a headline writers dream, so if the dominance carries on this season expect alot of “Pushes the right button”, “button it” (if someone says something and he says shut up), “Button down the hatches” (that’s poor), “Buttons up the title” etc etc. Leave your favourites in the comments.

The race was actually a doozy, as season openers tend to be.

Barrichello fucked up his start and caused merry carnage in the first corner, afterward using the 80yr old driver excuse of “I saw lot’s of accidents in my mirrors”, though we have reasonto believe he was only saying that to keep his no-claims bonus with SAGA.

Button pulled away and it soon became clear the the super-soft tyres were made of sponge cake as everyone on them let him go.

Nakajima soon emulated his father and threw his car into a wall, bringing out a safety car that had seemingly forgotten the rules and was waving everyone by “I’m slower than you, go ahead”

Eventually the race restarted, Buttons lead was only a car length to Vettel, but soon enough he was away again.

By now the Ferrari’s were screwed and Fisichella proved he is worth his salary for entertainment value alone by forgetting where the pits were and Piquet complained his brakes weren’t working, in that what he meant was when he used them they worked and flung his car off the road in yet another embarrassing exit.

the ferraris got into mysterious trouble and a young promising talent by the name of Lewis Hamilton (remember the name folks, he’ll be big) was slowly crawling up the field.

The race was seemingly Buttons as Vettel and Kubica scrapped for second place before both deciding to take the rest of the 3 lap afternoon off with a bit of homo-erotic driving, Vettel then going on to drive round with three wheels whilst Kubica slammed his against a wall.

This meant rubens was a ridiculous second and BrawnGP got a 1-2. The toyota of Trulli was an impressive third, but thanks to some silly safety car shenanigans the stewards demoted him a harsh 25sec and left that hamilton chap on the resultant podium.

Who’d have thought it?

Pos  Driver        Team                  Time
 1.  Button        Brawn GP              1h34:15.784
 2.  Barrichello   Brawn GP              +     0.807
 3.  Hamilton      McLaren-Mercedes      +     2.914
 4.  Glock         Toyota                +     4.435
 5.  Alonso        Renault               +     4.879
 6.  Rosberg       Williams-Toyota       +     5.722
 7.  Buemi         Toro Rosso-Ferrari    +     6.004
 8.  Bourdais      Toro Rosso-Ferrari    +     6.298
 9.  Sutil         Force India-Mercedes  +     6.335
10.  Heidfeld      BMW Sauber            +     7.085
11.  Fisichella    Force India-Mercedes  +     7.374
12.  Trulli        Toyota                +   26.604*
13.  Webber        Red Bull-Renault      +     1 lap

* = 25sec penalty for being a naughty boy behind the safety car

Fastest lap: Rosberg, 1:27.706

Screwups:
Driver        Team                 Reason
Vettel        Red Bull-Renault     Misunderstanding with Kubica
Kubica        BMW Sauber           Misunderstanding with Kubica
Raikkonen     Ferrari              Differential personality
Massa         Ferrari              Just gave up
Piquet        Renault              "brakes"
Nakajima      Williams-Toyota      tanked it
Kovalainen    McLaren-Mercedes     Barrichello