Technical gremlins have gotten into the anotherf1podcast KERS system and for some reason this was coming out at 6mins long. It’s not, it’s a 34min classic. So sorry if you’ve got this twice, or once, or never.

Red Bull gives you wins. Seb Vettel has pissed off Mark Webber by not only being the first Red Bull based winner in Toro Rosso last year, but also by trumping him to the first Red Bull Racing win.

Kevin and Terry don’t really discuss this though, instead talking about bloody aquaplaning, a disappointing Rosberg, a feisty Ross Brawn, a soon to sign on Nelson Piquet and a wound licky Ron Dennis in this the only podcast you’ll need for the chinese grand prix (unless you want actual facts and worthwhile opinion).

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Duration: 34:29 | Filesize: 31.6Mb | download |

Mark Webber today won the Best Actor award as he hid his utter hatred of Sebastian Vettel who has just waltzed in and bagged Red Bull’s first win after Webber has spent four years loosening the lid on the winning jar.

The race started in the wet behind the safety car, which is easily the most boring way to start a race, especially after the UK audiences getting up at 7am to sit through an hour of chat, the start sent most of us back to sleep.

Alonso was wide awake with panic though, he had just about enough fuel to get to the first corner. But Heikki relished the start, the safety car helping him get round the opening racing lap for the first time this year.

Nelson Piquet is doing what anyone does in a job they hate - trying to get fired, either that or his angling to play Frank Spencer in the Some Mother Do ‘Ave Em re-make.

Ferrari didn’t bother scoring a point, making this now their worst season start since 1981.

It kept raining, the safety car came again when Kubica tried to mount Trulli.

By the end of the race the Red Bull’s had the measure of the Brawns, iffy diffuser or not and Sutil was looking set to make the Ferrari’s the only team to have not scored a point, but the guilt of this got too much for him and he threw it into the wall.

After a bit or argy bargy the Bull’s were a headline writers dream (see how many times you read about a Bull in a China shop this week). And Vettel took his seconds win, surely no longer a star of the future, but just a star.

Classified:

Pos  Driver        Team                 Time 
 1.  Vettel        Red Bull-Renault      1h57:43.485
 2.  Webber        Red Bull-Renault      +    10.970
 3.  Button        Brawn GP-Mercedes     +    44.975
 4.  Barrichello   Brawn GP-Mercedes     +  1:03.704
 5.  Kovalainen    McLaren-Mercedes      +  1:05.102
 6.  Hamilton      McLaren-Mercedes      +  1:11.866
 7.  Glock         Toyota                +  1:14.476
 8.  Buemi         Toro Rosso-Ferrari    +  1:16.439
 9.  Alonso        Renault               +  1:24.309
10.  Raikkonen     Ferrari               +  1:31.750
11.  Bourdais      Toro Rosso-Ferrari    +  1:34.156
12.  Heidfeld      BMW Sauber            +  1:35.834
13.  Kubica        BMW Sauber            +  1:46.853
14.  Fisichella    Force India-Mercedes  +     1 lap
15.  Rosberg       Williams-Toyota       +     1 lap
16.  Piquet        Renault               +    2 laps

Fastest lap: Barrichello, 1:52.592

Not classified/retirements:

Driver        Team                  Reason
Sutil         Force India-Mercedes  Didn't want a point
Nakajima      Williams-Toyota       Satnav broke
Massa         Ferrari               Tantrum
Trulli        Toyota                Buggery

7:47:28 AM: I’m awake for now, if the twiting stops you know what’s happened. Vettel just admited naming his car, ‘blanky’ or ‘dit dit’?

7:53:15 AM: I think DC just had to show his id to get on the grid. How the (almost) mighty have fallen

7:56:33 AM: Safety car start

7:56:34 AM: Jon Todt on the grid with a hooded jacket that makes him look like a Jawa. The stewards fearing for their driods and deploy the safety car.

7:59:23 AM: I hope ron dennis runs on naked and does a dirty protest

8:01:29 AM: What a start!

8:04:26 AM: Heikki has completed a lap!

8:07:13 AM: massa off baby duxidoodulum sweetheart xxxx

8:09:47 AM: Red flag and half points to tidy up the score sheet.

8:11:20 AM: I’m aqua planing, I’m aqua planing… Man up chumps.

8:42:42 AM: Trulli dry humped by Kubica.

9:04:17 AM: Nakajima’s sat nav is fucked.

9:32:38 AM: Button should have gone for inters

9:34:24 AM: If force india score a point then won’t it be only ferrari on zero?

9:41:37 AM: I think piquet will be replaced by his dad for the rest of the season

9:49:17 AM: Sutil runs like a girl

9:50:12 AM: May have dozed off did I miss much?

9:51:26 AM: That looked like christopher walken in the red bull garage.

9:52:41 AM: I think vettel has webbed feet and gills.

10:03:51 AM: @fakejenson does that gameboy make you overweight?

10:09:59 AM: Coultard it’s been raining for hours lose the sunglasses.

Ferrari’s incessant whining was drowning out even the awful music the Chinese race organisers where playing to try and distract from the fact the the grandstands had 12 people in them.

The whining failed to deliver any results as Red Bull got their first pole position (in a car with neither fancy diffusers nor KERS (pronounced KERS)) in the shape of 8 month old Sebastian Vettel beating his older team-mate Mark Webber (or Pops) to 3rd place.

Alonso came from precisely nowhere to split the Bulls in his Renault with a hastily sellotaped on double diffuser.

Hamilton got into the top 10, as did Raikkonen. But both their team-mates failed miserably.

But this weeks prize to dufus of qualifying has to go to Kubica who just didn’t really bother and popped home in Q3.

Pos  Driver       Team                  Q1        Q2        Q3      Laps
 1.  Vettel       Red Bull-Renault      1:36.565  1:35.130  1:36.184  11
 2.  Alonso       Renault               1:36.443  1:35.803  1:36.381  21
 3.  Webber       Red Bull-Renault      1:35.751  1:35.173  1:36.466  19
 4.  Barrichello  Brawn-Mercedes        1:35.701  1:35.503  1:36.493  21
 5.  Button       Brawn-Mercedes        1:35.533  1:35.556  1:36.532  19
 6.  Trulli       Toyota                1:36.308  1:35.645  1:36.835  21
 7.  Rosberg      Williams-Toyota       1:35.941  1:35.809  1:37.397  23
 8.  Raikkonen    Ferrari               1:36.137  1:35.856  1:38.089  19
 9.  Hamilton     McLaren-Mercedes      1:35.776  1:35.740  1:38.595  17
10.  Buemi        Toro Rosso-Ferrari    1:36.284  1:35.965  1:39.321  21
11.  Heidfeld     BMW-Sauber            1:36.525  1:35.975            14
12.  Kovalainen   McLaren-Mercedes      1:36.646  1:36.032            10
13.  Massa        Ferrari               1:36.178  1:36.033            11
14.  Glock        Toyota                1:36.364  1:36.066            14
15.  Nakajima     Williams-Toyota       1:36.673  1:36.193            13
16.  Bourdais     Toro Rosso-Ferrari    1:36.906                      10
17.  Piquet       Renault               1:36.908                      10
18.  Kubica       BMW-Sauber            1:36.966                      8
19.  Sutil        Force India-Mercedes  1:37.669                      10
20.  Fisichella   Force India-Mercedes  1:37.672                      10

Rosberg banged it back up to the top, yet again giving us hope of a proper Williams revival. but first he took up his duties as part of the F1 re-enactment society by sliding off into the Super Bonus Mega Gravel Trap in the pitlane just like Lewis Hamilton did in 2007 to lose the championship.

The only other notables were the lack of running from both the Red Bulls and Alonso in the Renault. The Red Bull cars have been crippled by some kind of drive shaft thing that apparently costs fuck all but is shit and is breaking things. Sorry if you can’t keep up with the technical jargons there.

So Red Bull’s and Alonso must therefore be fucked for qualifying, that is all I know (and I am not writing this up after qualifying to make me look stupid or clever… yes I am doing exactly that).

 Pos Driver        Team                 Time              Laps
 1.  Rosberg       Williams-Toyota      1:36.133           17
 2.  Trulli        Toyota               1:36.272 + 0.139   22
 3.  Hamilton      McLaren-Mercedes     1:36.330 + 0.197   17
 4.  Button        Brawn GP-Mercedes    1:36.463 + 0.330   16
 5.  Piquet        Renault              1:36.464 + 0.331   16
 6.  Massa         Ferrari              1:36.528 + 0.395   18
 7.  Kovalainen    McLaren-Mercedes     1:36.547 + 0.414   13
 8.  Nakajima      Williams-Toyota      1:36.560 + 0.427   17
 9.  Raikkonen     Ferrari              1:36.568 + 0.435   17
10.  Barrichello   Brawn GP-Mercedes    1:36.642 + 0.509   17
11.  Heidfeld      BMW Sauber           1:36.702 + 0.569   14
12.  Kubica        BMW Sauber           1:36.742 + 0.609   14
13.  Buemi         Toro Rosso-Ferrari   1:36.742 + 0.609   16
14.  Bourdais      Toro Rosso-Ferrari   1:36.834 + 0.701   17
15.  Webber        Red Bull-Renault     1:37.330 + 1.197    8
16.  Vettel        Red Bull-Renault     1:37.349 + 1.216    7
17.  Sutil         Force India-Mercedes 1:37.534 + 1.401   17
18.  Fisichella    Force India-Mercedes 1:37.732 + 1.599   18
19.  Alonso        Renault              1:38.003 + 1.870    6
20.  Glock         Toyota               1:39.110 + 2.977    6